Wednesday, 11 July 2012

In Honour of Zombie Friday

I won't be able to honour zombie Friday after all. Sumthin's come up. as they say :)

So here is my early contribution. I won't lie. I wrote this (ahem) years ago as part of my English GCSE ....... Sorry. It took a while to find and re-type a little if it makes it seem like I put in extra effort. hahahahaha ......

My Room

I've been naughty. I've been really bad.

I should have left by now. But I can't. I daren't.

You see, a man bit my mum today. And a lady bit her too. The stinkies. And now my mum is a stinky too. She's downstairs. I can hear her. She won't go away and now I can't leave. I want to go to Aunty Sarah's. I think they're hiding too.

I know the proper word for them. They're zom-bees. I heard it on the TV when Mum thought I was asleep. That's why she decided to bring lots of food to my room and put a lock on the door. I'd be safe that way.

They said it wouldn't get here. That France was far away enough for us to be safe. Mum says that sometimes grown-ups are wrong but you never hear them admit it. I just bet that's how this happened.

This is my Barbie collection. I'm going to play for a bit before it gets dark. I'm not to shine a light. Not to shine a light. NOT to shine a light.

I had a yoghurt for breakfast. I had to wee in the pot cos I can't go to the toilet. I threw the wee out of the window. I had to make sure I wasn't seen. There were lots of stinkies out there. I didn't like it so I was quick. I saw my teacher out there. She's had an accident, I think. I don't know why I'm writing this down. There's no-one to talk to and I'm not to make a sound.

I want my Mum.

My little brother is still at school. Should I go? I don't dare. I'm supposed to stay here. What did they do with the kids that didn't get picked up? No-one phoned. He's only 6, does he know his way home? I'm eight and a half. Of course I know the way. But there's a big road we're not allowed to cross. Oh, I DO hope he's ok.

I had some crunchy noodles for lunch and was going to have tuna for tea. I can't make the tin opener work. Mum didn't show me. We were only hiding for a little while when she nipped out for a minute. When she came back she was hurt. There was a LOT of blood. I tried to put a plaster on for her. It didn't stick. She was trying not to cry. I could tell.

She said a man and a lady bit her. BIT HER!!!!! I'd get sent to my room for sure if I bit anyone. She said I had to listen properly and remember everything. She hurt my arm she was squeezing so hard. She brought me photos of us all and more food and drinks. She brought me toilet roll and Ribena and 2 buckets of water. She brought me noodles and crisps and some biscuits and we had 2 apples left and the yoghurts from the fridge. Half a loaf of bread and some carrots. I hate carrots.

She said that I'm not to eat everything at once and not to open the door unless someone speaks properly to me. Did I understand? I said yes. She said the police would come soon. And the water is for drinking and I can brush my teeth. She didn't bring the brush. I don't mind. I'm not to shine a light and I'm not to make a sound.

She cried and kissed me and said she was sorry she wasn't more careful. I cried too but she wouldn't stay. She got angry when I didn't lock the door behind her and came back in. She was sweating and looked really funny. This time I locked the door. I want to be good.

My pen is running out. I left my pens downstairs. I could sneak and get them

No. I promised. Anyway. I can hear her. She doesn't sound like Mum should. I never heard her make that sound before and she won't talk to me. So I sneaked way from the door and hid under the bed.

It's kind of cool under here. I pushed my toy boxes along the side of the bed like a wall. I have my pillow and duvet, the carpet is a bit scratchy but it's ok. I have a cup from my tea set and a book I can use as a plate. If I open the crisps and tip them out quick I can eat quietly. I don't want to be found.

I have a comic to read before it gets dark.

I ate some apples and some bread and I've finished the Ribena. I'm not eating the carrots. I hate carrots. Last night was scary. There was a lot of shouting and running outside. I wanted to look but I didn't. Mum said stay out of sight. Someone will come for me. Did anyone go and get Andy? He's only six. He's too little to find his own way home. Please please PLEASE let someone have gone for him. I was home from school sick, Mum's boyfriend (who is really cool) went out to work, and Andy went to school with the lady next door. No-one came back. Where did they go? Why hasn't anyone come for me?

I found a pencil to write with. I'm a really neat writer. I wish I knew where my friends are. Are they hiding like me? I'd get Mum to ring and find out but she's not coming back. Not like before.

There was a giant crash from downstairs. I weed my pants and then cried. I hid them in the wash bin so no-one ever knows.

I'm hungry and I've eaten nearly everything. I'm still not eating the carrots. I have one bucket of water left. I hope someone finds me soon. Too dark to write now. Goodnight.

It was really quiet downstairs today. I listened at the door for ages. I went to the top of the stairs on super tiptoes. I crept down to the study and got some more pens and paper. I went to the kitchen and had a look round for food. There was nothing. Every cupboard was open and so was the fridge and the freezer.

I think we were burgled. I found a biscuit on the floor and brought that upstairs.

I feel a bit better in my den. I've got teddies under here now and the last of my food.

I've decided to eat the carrots.

I don't think anyone's coming.

I can't remember how long I've been on my own but I think it's too long. I think I have to go to Aunty Sarah's. I bet she's got sweets. I'll go tomorrow.

I have to be brave like when I went to the dentist or when I had my verrucas frozen. That hurts but I didn't cry.

I went to the bathroom and went to the toilet. I was scared but brave. There was no sound from downstairs. Have they all gone? I'll sneak a look out of the window.

They are still in the street. Walking about. I saw the lady next door too. She's all yucky now. I think she saw me so I went straight back under the bed.

I can hear noises but I forgot to lock the door so am hiding quietly.

Carrots aren't so bad after all. They're a bit cru

Sunday, 1 July 2012

Ninkypoop and the bumcheeks

So today's is just a quick one as it's BIG CLEAN Sunday .... well, the last Sunday in the month is when I TRY to clean the whole house, but as per usual have had more interruptions than I have fingers and toes ... hehehe.

But today I couldn't help but laugh as I passed my son's bedroom door with a pile of ironing-yet-to-do in each arm and a pile of folded towels on my head, a duster hanging from my back pocket and a bottle of bleach wedged down my waistband gangsta stylee ...  My son and daughter had abandoned their game of Ancient Egyptians Battle LEGO Pirate Cowboys. They were lying on the floor playing a game of "when I went to the moon". Which for those of you who don't know it's a memory game a bit like "shopping basket" ....  "When I went to the moon I saw - and here's where you take it in turns to add another item... and so on and so on until the loser forgets something. Well, we'd gone the whole gamut of quite rude stuff (well, what they consider rude - they collapsed in total hysterical mirth when I shouted up the stairs "BLUE KNICKERS" as my turn ...... )

But I digress, they were laying on the floor half playing the game and half discussing what is funny. And apparently "Ninkypoop" (rather than the more traditional nicompoop) is the funniest word in the universe ..... so funny in fact that they couldn't actually SAY the word for laughing.

Bumcheeks is SO last season. Ninkypoop is the new black. 


Monday, 25 June 2012

Peppa PIG oink oink

Wow. It's Monday again already!

I had a really great weekend. Visitors, laughter, good food and a horrendously late night followed by a spot of patriotism. Which is rare for me. haha

I went with my friend and her little girl to see the Olympic torch pass by. (Which is really a last-in-this-lifetime opportunity for me if the moaners are to be believed. Ho-hum. Can't say it bothers me one way or the other.) What I wasn't expecting was to try and get myself arrested by swallowing at the wrong time (which sounds MUCH worse than it was, ooo-er) ..... eeeek!!! Standing at the roadside I was enjoying the shameless advertising of various decorated buses driving by (it's just NOT an event without a Coca-Cola bus!!!!) and the local police were being cheery and riding slowly on their motorbikes high-fiving excited children. One police officer spotted a very large Peppa Pig mascot and stopped in front of me and asked "is that Peppa Pig I see over there?"

You can imagine my horror when I blurted out "Yes!! It's the one and only Peppa ........ (insert horrid pause for choking on something invisible) PIG!!!!!!!!"

His face dropped. As did my heart. Into my feet. What do you do in that kind of situation? I meant no harm at all ... so I faked a coughing fit, turning his look of horror to one of concern .... job done!!

I was so flustered I almost didn't film the torch bearer .... hahaha.

The moral of this story children? Sometimes it's ok to lie to policemen .....


Friday, 22 June 2012

Avarice in Wonderland

So today is my day off.

I am wrapped in a fleece, with the fire on while a storm rages outside that sounds like it may just shake the house to pieces and extract me, shrieking in my fleece coccoon, to a land where flying houses are fantastic witch deterrants.

I have gently steamed in a vast bubbly bath, with no cries of "mum ..can I (insert verious non-vital requests here)"

I have watched the yummy Zach and his cohorts frighten themselves silly in the dark. I have posted several bad taste music videos onto my FB account. I have consumed "no-one to "share" with" crisps, cookies and drank enough tea to fill a small paddling pool. (Altho it looks like the rain could have taken care of the pool today) I have displayed my prolific use of the dreaded "eff word" for all the world to see .... lol. And all from the New Improved Mum-Ra Ass Groove on the sofa.

I have studiously ignored the washing, ironing, dirty dishes, hoovering that taunt me on a daily basis. I am deaf to their miserable utterings. lol

For today, Matthew, one is indulging in self indulgence of the most indulgent kind. Today, I am Avarice in Wonderland, where the currency is Me-time and the profit is measured in slobbery!!!

And just for once, just for THIS once I DON'T feel guilty. So sue me .... hehe


Wednesday, 20 June 2012

Too cool for home-school

So my daughter got an upset tummy. (When I was a kid, my mother used to make us go to school unless we had a limb hanging off. I suspect even in the event of a zombie apocalypse she'd have a crack at making us go .. ).

She thought it would comprise of glorious hours laid on the sofa playing Minecraft, watching DVD's and being waited on hand and foot...  and being read to by my shiny new kindle ... (erm, NO!!!)

The thing is, she's not actually ill. We have to follow school guidelines of not returning for 48 hours. So I got her school work. Lots and lots of school work. 

I've enjoyed maths, reading and a project on Florence nightingale. She has not.

Tomorrow we've got a collage to make, more maths and some word searches. I'm so excited.

Her teacher thinks I'm brill. Darling daughter thinks I'm a loser. 

A mean one. hehehehe

Tuesday, 19 June 2012

Writer's Blo(g)ck

Wow. I can actually re-introduce my backside to the sofa. Ass - meet sofa. Sofa meet derriere ....

It's been so ridiculously busy the last few days. 

It's been "the BIG show" ... which went so fantasically well that i blubbed all the way through it. Talk about PPS! (proud parent syndrome). My other half looked at me like I was mad. And that was only 10 seconds in!!!!! hehehe

I've had daughter off school with tummy trouble. Now, school policy is that you have to wait 48 hours before they can go back. So once she was better and in the "waiting days" I got her to keep up with school and do an extra report on why Florence Nightingale was famous .... Needless to say if she had her way I'd be NEEDING the ministrations of Miss Nightingale myself. If looks could kill ...... ;)

I've been spending a little Kindle time.... 'nuff said. I LOVE my DX .. It's so big and easy to read, I've found myself reading voraciously at any spare minute delivered to me, whether by design or accident. 

It's a blessing and a curse, that device. While I adore being able to just pick it up and have it magically bookmark my page, it will probab;y get me arrested for harbouring  a rare tribe of amazonian pygmies. 

Perhaps I should put DOWN the Kindle and mow the back lawn after all. 


Thursday, 14 June 2012

Run Mum-Ra, Run!

On the way to school this morning I had to RUN!!!! Like a Diva once famously "didn't do stairs" I don't do running. It's ungainly, I'm invariably wearing the wrong shoes and well, let's face it I look simply wrong doing it. ;)

Luckily this morning I was feeling pretty swanky sporting my new split toe trainers that I've been after for AGES and I got for a song! (yes!!)

My son ran around a corner at the end of which there is a bit of road that while I admit is not busy, it's a haven for late-for-school run mums in huge cars that they can't park who have their heads up their arses to boot .... so I flew to catch up with him thinking the worst and swearing under my breath .... I hurdled one small child who had no idea to GET OUT OF THE WAY(!!!!!) startled two girls talking about Will I Am and almost vaulted a closed gate (and all to imaginary Mission Impossible music) to find him nonchalantly waiting on the corner a safe 3 feet from the road waiting carefully ...... good boy! 

(little git) hahahahahahaha


Fax-olotl and the worm farm

The kids started pester power in earnest about 2 years ago wanting pets. Dogs, cats, fish, rabbits .... anything would do just as long as it came under the title "pet" ....

So we started the trips to the nearest chain of pet stores, coo-ing over bunnies and chinchillas. Whch are fine and cute and cuddly and all that. But they stink. Really, really stink to me.

(I guess this is the time that I should confess that I sniff things. A lot. An olfactory obsession if you will. I have been likened to a dog for my sense of smell before. Altho unlike dogs I draw the line at butt-sniffing. haha. I walk into someone's home and discreetly SMELL it. I sniff babies, animals, soft furnishings, food, people, the air, anything that can hold an odour and I will have a smell of it. Matchbox strike strips, the petrol station and the paper you used to get in the top of a packet of cigs are my most interesting smells. And I don't even smoke or have enough money to fill my car!! hahahaha. No wonder they keep chasing me away from the petrol station forecourt - "Bob, get security - she's at it again" hahahahaha.)

I can smell the sugary difference between coke and diet coke and so it's easy for me to tell who's coffee is who's ...."sniff" .... lol.

Anyhoo, I digress. So we decided on fish. But I thought them too dull. So I rescued an Axolotl - which is a cool amphibian that looks like a cross between a lizard and a moose - from Freecycle (a great little site where people give away their stuff for free). We brought him home, cleaned up the tank, added some Axy friendly stuff, and that was that. Once he stopped sulking at being brought home he just fits right in and has become a cool little addition to our family. HE walks on his back legs, balances on his tail for food, watches TV and stares at me for hours on an evening. lol No-one else we know has one so the kids have got "instant cool". hahahaha

The big draw back? He eats fresh worms, so I had to buy a wormery AND IT STINKS!!!!!!


Monday, 11 June 2012

Kith and Kindle ... ;)

So, today I went to meet a new friend. She's clever and very funny. And she's got a Kindle. (sounds like bloody Charlie and Lola, hehe)

I've been resisting the Kindle. Vehemently. As far as I'm concerned books should be slightly fusty and smell funny and yellow with age and not bother if you drop them in the bath. Or down the stairs. I like old books, and wrinkly second hand books, and shelves FULL of books. And kids books with massive covers that cover your legs when you read them. I'm in the minority, sadly. My darling daughter saw a consumer report on e-readers and has been dropping hints ever since ...

 "oh, my book is SO heavy ...... " cue 'the big eyes' ....  "I've bent the page in this book ...." cue 'the big eyes' 

And today I succumbed and used my last pennies on a bloody kindle. All because I mentioned someone said how good they were ... and suddenly the WHOLE family started dropping kindle related hints ... cue more 'big eyes' than an Anime festival ..... .

So I give in. They can have a Kindle. I'm off for a bath. With my book. ;)

Sunday, 10 June 2012

Sunday night blues

Well, that was the half term holidays. Back to school tomorrow.

I can have a break from Scooby Doo, Minecraft, and never being able to have a bath in peace. Shame they still show Tree Foo Tom after school hours. lol

I can vac round without a trail of dirt actively growing before the carpet pile has even settled again. I can do the ironing and eradicate all the sticky handprints that have appeared from too many placatory biccies ...

Or F'$* it! I can lie on the sofa and read a book and eat crisps I don't have to share with a drink on the floor that won't get knocked over!!!

There's always Tuesday ....... ;)

Saturday, 9 June 2012

What a prick(ed finger)

Two things of note happened to me today.

I got to use THE BIG VOICE. A van driver was parked over the end of my drive today while a neighbour is having some heavy duty gardening done .... now don't get me wrong - I'm not against the act of bettering one's property. After all the builders who made our palatial estate (scuse me while I pee laughing) must have done it after several liquid lunches ... you know the kind of quality building skills and workmanship I mean. haha.

But this is the 4th day in a row he's done it. So I beeped my horn and waited - and beeped again. And again. Until he sautered out after I'd asked his colleague to fetch him. I'm 5 foot 2 and I have a very unnassuming small car. You should have SEEN his face when I then wound down the window and bellowed at him that if he parked on my property again I would see that he was sorry. I used the BIG VOICE! HE moved his van bloody sharpish after that and we haven't seen him again today. Felt bloody brilliant!!!!!

My fingers are prickled. lol. I've just managed to construct and attatch a collar to a costume for my daughter's summer show with the dance group Ambition Academy. The kids have all worked SO hard towards this show and I'm dead excited to see it. But seamstress I am NOT!!! hahahahaha. I've made a couple of  props for the show (a giant chicken and a giant jelly, no REALLY!! lol) And I've made "The Belle Dress" .... omg I swear it was harder than a maths exam!!!

I'm just hoping it doesn't just fall off her "Full Monty Style" halfway thru ..... maybe I should add a few more strips of velcro .......


Friday, 8 June 2012

More than a Milk-Maid

Well, I answered the door at teatime to the young guy who collects the milk money.

(Yep, I am unapologetically old fashioned and I still love my daily pinta!!! lol. I have to do a "top -up" milk shop at least once a week, tho, haha. Several pints in a soulless plastic mini-jerry can is cheaper. I just cant let go of daily glass on my doorstep.)

So he says to my chest "milk, love ..."

I asked him how much I owe him this week and he basically gave my boobs the bill. Erm ... I'm up here, HELLO???? By this time I was dying to laugh and couldn't decide whether to be cross or flattered by his sheer inability to drag his eyes northward.(I must be at LEAST 15 years older, lol)

I felt like a complete wally when I realised I had forgotten the kids were decorating me with Star Wars stickers earlier in the day ...... D'OH!!!!!!!!

He was admiring my R2D2's ...............


Thursday, 7 June 2012

Minstrels and Cheetara the teen Mum

The kids are upstairs playing a bizarre composite role play game.

Kind of Thundercats meets Pregnant and 16.

Apparently Cheetara has had a baby but she still has to go to school. Now, I'm not sure where they've heard THAT kind of thing from as I don't let them watch anything harder than CBBC and I was 29 when I had firstborn ..... !?!

I was tidying the living room while they are out from under my feet. I found a recently opened bag of hygienically sealed Minstrels.

So I tidied them too.

Into my mouth.


Wednesday, 6 June 2012

So, in the eternal pursuit of being an excellent mother and manufacturing perfectly happy and well rounded tiny people I asked them today what they want to do .....

The consensus was "making stuff" .... "what kind of stuff?" ... "just stuff .."

Erm .. ok ....

So I piled them into the car and took them off on a 30 minute drive to a well known high-end high-street craft shop. Where I proceeded to effectively double the mortgage. haha. On the way back in the car we chatted gaily of what we were going to decorate our paper mache boxes with.

They spent the afternoon playing with Zoobles. The gold-plate-priced craft items are in the bag under the kitchen table. Go figure. ;)

Tuesday, 5 June 2012


So - I can never usually win an argument. Know what I mean? :)

 I've entered prize draws (but never prize drawers .... more's the pity ....  a night of passion with Captain Jack Sparrow would make me smile right now. ;) .... and, nada, zip, nuffin!

Imagine my delight when yesterday I discovered I won half a dozen cupcakes from A Little Taste of Heaven without even trying. And they'll deliver them too!!!! Maybe I'll share if the peeps are good .... ;)

Topic of today ... What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?

                            "Nacho cheese .......  "

This blog has been sponsored by the British Tea Council, the virtual eye-matchsticks in a mug worshipped by over-tired mothers up and down the country (ok, so it hasn't, but it made me chuckle ... lol)


Monday, 4 June 2012

Mum-Ra, ha ha ha haaaaaah ha (evil laughter)

Well, here I am and this is me.

I have been attempting to introduce my 2 kids to things I thought the coolest as a kid.

So I bought them a Thundercats DVD. Since then I have been given the moniker Mum-Raa.


I changed my moisturiser. lol